Finding motivation…..

Some days it can be pretty difficult to get going. There can be many reasons for this, tiredness, aches and pains, ill health, laziness even, but perhaps the hardest to overcome is a lack of motivation. This in itself can have a number of causes, from depression through to lack of incentive. Most are possible to overcome with a bit of effort, but the issue becomes more recalcitrant when there are several causes operating simultaneously. Take this morning for example. I am in a pretty bad mood to begin with having once again been lied to regarding promises made on Friday. These lies have additionally meant that I have not had any resources to have a single moment of pleasure over the weekend but rather have spent it worrying and stressing which has led to lack of sleep and tiredness. This hasn’t been helpful to my ongoing depression which has taken yet another downward turn in its never ending spiral into the abyss.

So, I force myself out of bed, shower, dress, get to the bus, the bus I am forced to take not being able to afford to run a car for the first time in twenty years because after eighteen months I’m still not getting paid anything like what I have been promised, yet another lie. And I get to work, unhappy, stressed, tired, fairly down and I’m immediately greeted by another lie. Do people think I’m dense, stupid, slow witted? I’m presented with a piece of work so obviously plagiarized it is ridiculous and the senior person presents it as their own work. I wouldn’t mind so much but what they had done in using this other companies work is correct. We are outsourcing to them so it makes sense to use their template for pricing so why even bother to try to pass it off as your own? It is ridiculous and petty and yet another example of how lying becomes a habit.

This is followed up by a complete lack of apology for the lies of Friday, and yet more promises which will undoubtedly turn out to be lies. Really it is entirely my own fault for letting this situation develop to the point that it has, but am I really to blame? I have no real, viable choice but to be here until I can find something else. From experience I know that should I leave and return to the unemployment queues I will once again fall through the cracks in the benefit system and have no income. No change over my current position except that I will have the additional stress of a lot more time on my hands and the associated depression spike that that brings. So do I stick it out and put up with the lies on the off chance that the situation might improve? Or do I bite the bullet and force myself to leave whilst I still have a shred of dignity left and try once again to spin the wheel of fate and see where I land this time?

I think the choice is becoming more clear, but the thing about depression and lack of motivation is that it is wearing on the very soul and it dulls the mind to the point when any decision is unlikely to be the correct one…..such is life….